HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE 

         With every day that passes, I am becoming more alienated and disenchanted with the rest of the people of Britain (and beyond).

         Firstly, take the so-called ‘working’ class. I have grown to despise them. Your stereotypical working class alpha male or caveman, has to get his head shaven so that he can sport his ‘wee hard-man haircut’ to fit in with the hair fashion of his mates. He must also adorn tattoos to enhance his street credibility, while an ability to utter vulgarities in every spoken sentence is necessary too. When I approach two or three blokes on the pavement, busily engaged in yet another vacuous mobile phone conversation, I wonder if I can pass by without over-hearing a string of obscenities. I usually can’t. Throw in an enthusiasm for hard drinking and a passion for aggression and violence, not forgetting the need to read the obligatory tabloid trash, and voila you have your imperfectly formed, totally uninformed working class male cretin. Is it any small wonder that white working class men are regarded as the biggest under-achievers in our society? The very notion of trying to better themselves by reading a more informative newspaper or watching current affairs or nature documentaries would be anathema or too ‘cissy’ for these butch buffoons. Thus many Neanderthal tee-shirt wearers remain in the gutter, but they need not worry because there is an army of young clingy, desperate, insecure female admirers only too eager to fall for the ‘charms’ of these charm-less beasts. Ah yes, the working class deserve each other.

         A step up from the white trash are the middle class – a thoroughly unhappy and mean-spirited lot. Just tell someone ten years ago that they would now be earning thirty thousand pounds or more per year and they would have been thrilled. Well, actually they aren’t. High earners look over their shoulders at their neighbours, work colleagues, and relatives, and the need to compete and achieve bragging rights is an absolute must. Therefore, if Mr and Mrs Well-Off are earning fifty thousand pounds per year, this counts for nothing if their suburban neighbours have completed an extension to their conservatory! Similarly, what good is earning forty thousand pounds per year if your wine-bar acquaintances are all buying up foreign properties in various places in the sun? Consequently, middle-class people plunge themselves into mountainous debts in a desperate attempt to maintain their place in the chasing pack of the rat race whilst spending their week-ends in shopping arcades on another outing of retail therapy. Added to this, middle class people are the most vocal in their opposition to rates increases, income tax, and anything which threatens their unquenchable thirst for more riches. Yes, the loathsome bourgeoisie remain as greedy and selfish as ever. Ultimately, if you are good to every person you meet, and you bring your children up to be good to everyone they meet, then this is the only bragging right you will ever need. Instead of which, the chattering class think that their suit, shirt, tie, big car, and power dressing affords them respect. Could I possibly respect any group of people less?

         Well, the answer to that is yes. There remains the aristocracy and the new decadent aristocracy, namely celebrities, who all have more money than sense and who lavish one another as if they grow fifty pounds notes in their garden. I recently had the extreme misfortune of reading a horrible magazine extract in which Tara Palmer-Tomkinson recalled how she had had a bad day, so her friend Robbie Williams went and bought her an obscenely expensive watch to console her. Dear God, what planet are these people on? Are there any good, sane people out there, anywhere? I am afraid that I have to concur with Jean-Paul Sartre who stated that ‘l’enfer, c’est les autres.’

                                                 “I’LL SEE YOU AGAIN” 

         My late father had been on his death-bed for several weeks, surpassing a previous medical prediction that he had about two weeks to live. There was no knowing when the end would come. I found myself having to return to work in England after a month of bedside vigils. It was with a heavy heart that I was abdicating any semblance of a duty of care to a loved one, but I had little option. When the Thursday morning came when I paid one last visit to the hospital before taking my leave of my Dad, it was potentially an emotional scene. As it transpired, my father chose precisely the perfect words for such a parting. It was almost as if he had given careful thought to what might be his final words to me and they have remained embedded in my consciousness ever since.

         Having drawn closer to the Lord during his two-year struggle against terminal illness, Dad was able to elect a farewell that strikes a resonance with all Christians. He said, with calm confidence, “I’ll see you again.” I guess it is not far removed from the words of Jesus as He bade temporary farewell to His disciples and subsequently ascended into heaven. My Dad’s words always struck me as a remarkable declaration of faith, based on the likelihood of a heavenly reunion. After all, when one Christian leaves this temporary world and all its cares for the permanency of Paradise, then naturally he or she will bid a farewell couched in such positive terms. Christians don’t really believe in ‘goodbye’ because they anticipate a joyful reunion in eternity’s resting home. Therefore, my father’s words, “I’ll see you again” were not only inspiring but very much in keeping with a man confident about his eternal future.

                                                 £5,000 CASH COMPETITION 

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6. Are you married?
7. Are you dead or alive?                                                                                                                                                          

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                                                 MY PREDICTIONS FOR 2008 

         My forecast for 2008 includes the following: The English FA Cup final will not go to a replay, while Italy will probably retain the football World Cup. The person elected in November as the new President of the USA will be an American, probably a man, though possibly a woman. Chelsea will lose yet another European Champions League semi-final at Anfield, probably 47-46 on penalties. The University Boat Race will most likely be won by either Cambridge or Oxford. I don’t personally rate Aston University’s chances. The prospect of Wales or Ireland challenging for rugby union’s Calcutta Cup remains slim, while it is highly unlikely that Italy will win the Six Nations, though their potential to win at least one match is considerably greater than Germany’s. Golf’s Ryder Cup will be a two-horse race between Europe and the United States, with Australia the rank outsiders who are probably not worthy of a hopeful bet. Speaking of Australia, I confidently expect them to hold on to the cricket Ashes in 2008, though I don’t reckon Bedfordshire will be able to mount a successful bid to win the county championship.

         Meanwhile, Mexico’s hopes of finally winning the Eurovision Song contest are also likely to be disappointed. I also expect that not even the presence of Kaka, Ronaldinho, or Adriano will enable Brazil to launch a victorious bid for their first-ever success in the European Championships in Austria and Switzerland. I also cannot see Aberdeen winning one of the four Old Firm Scottish Premier League matches, while Newcastle United’s dream of lifting the UEFA Cup will have to wait for another year.

         In the wacky world of politics, the British economy will either plunge into recession or thrive in the presence of a prolonged period of prosperity. Also, the Natural Law Party’s chances of winning a by-election remain unrealistic, while the Bank of England interest rates will either go down or rise, or maybe even stay the same. In Downing Street, that nice, pleasant Prime Minister Gordon Brown will take revenge on an increasingly insubordinate Tony Blair by appointing him as Chancellor of the Exchequer. In Northern Ireland, Martin McGuiness resigns as Deputy First Minister to start his new post as PSNI Assistant Chief Constable, while Ian Paisley defects from the DUP to Sinn Fein, but assures his supporters that he intends to smash Sinn Fein from within. Gerry Adams joins the Orange Order and the Portadown twelfth of July parade is re-routed and re-located to Croke Park. The UDA are rewarded with a grant of £8 million for east Belfast in return for de-commissioning a bread knife and several knives and forks. The Continuity IRA are nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for keeping their terrorist activity to a minimum.

                                              SHIPPING FORECAST   

         The general synopsis at 1300 hours: In the North Channel, various ferries can be expected to be operating between Belfast or Larne and south-west Scotland. Similarly in the Irish Sea, ferry services are anticipated between Belfast and the Lancashire coast, and between Dublin and north-west Wales. Ferries transporting passengers between Cork and south-west Wales may also be likely. Off the north coast of Scotland several Royal Navy vessels may be engaged in manoeuvres, while fishing boat activity is predicted off the Cornish coast and east of Grimsby. Meanwhile, more ferry activity is forecast between the east coast of England and the Netherlands, whilst the possibility of ferry services cannot be ruled out between the south coast of England and France. That concludes the shipping forecast for the next 24 hours.

                                                 WEATHER FORECAST

         There is the possibility of showers, while in between the spells of rain, the sun may appear. It is likely to be a bit chilly when the sun is absent. A breeze can be expected in coastal areas, so wrap up warm, but wear a tee-shirt under your mackintosh and carry with you a pair of sunglasses and an umbrella for sunshine and showers. The Met Office is also issuing a weather warning that there is a slight possibility of a tornado and an even more remote chance of a typhoon, while a hurricane has not been ruled out. Meanwhile, areas experiencing a rumble or two of thunder can expect lightning too. Anyone travelling to the desert can also expect to experience very hot weather with an absence of rainfall, while any excursions to Siberia may encounter the possibility of snowfall. Finally, if you are heading off to the South Pole, wear an extra jumper, while anybody visiting the summit of Mount Everest may find it a bit cold.

                                            WHAT’S IN YOUR STARS

Capricorn (December 22^nd-January 20^th): You’re all going to wake up today, various events will take place, and at the end of the day, you will go to bed, though five or six of you will die and several others will stay up until the early hours of the following morning, watching late-night television.

Aquarius (January 21^st- February 19^th): Every single person in the world born during these dates will experience something unexpected today.

Pisces (February 20^th-March 20^th): For those of you who are not giving birth, getting married, getting promoted, getting sacked, arrested, kidnapped, murdered or divorced, nothing remarkable will happen today to you.

Aries (March 21^st-April 20^th): You should all have a feeling of ennui or merriment induced by your decision to read my stars column.

Taurus (April 21^st-May21st): This day has a lot of things in store for you, so be alert, unless you are unconscious.

Gemini (May 22^nd-June 21st): All of you will talk to various people today, except those of you who are dumb.

Cancer (June 22^nd- July 23^rd): Live life to the full today, unless your number is up.

Leo (July 24^th- August 23^rd): All Leo readers can expect a day of ups and downs, good moments and bad moments.

Virgo (August 24^th- September 23^rd): All Virgoans will experience a wide range of thoughts today.

Libra (September 24^th- October 23^rd): Each one of you will meet a number of people today, and the encounters may be happy or they may be sad.

Scorpio (October 24^th-November 22^nd): For the overwhelming majority of you, a day of breathing, eating, drinking, walking, and talking awaits you.

Sagittarius (November 23^rd- December 21^st): Be prepared to spend some money today.

                                                 CHANGES 

         When I was growing up, white people used to complain about the number of ‘darkies’ moving to Britain. Now, coloured people are moaning about the whites who are migrating to our ‘septic isle’ from eastern Europe.

         When I was growing up, one would have been embarrassed or ashamed to have been drunk. Nowadays, drunkenness is something young people boast about. “How many drinks did you have on Friday night?” “Oh only five or six pints”. “Oh well, I had fourteen vodkas and threw up all over the back of the taxi and nearly got into a fight in the curry house.”

         When I was growing up, young children used to walk to school. Nowadays, any concerned parent wouldn’t let his or her child walk ten yards unaccompanied outside school or the front garden.

         When I was growing up, people who did not own a house were regarded as poor. Now, people who have the misfortune of only owning one house are poor!

                                              A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE   

         I rather despise all you healthy eating freaks who think that your devotion to organic products and rabbit food will keep the grim reaper away. Your desperate attempt to prolong your life from 78 years to maybe 79 reminds me of Michael Jackson’s face mask charade. You cannot cheat death folks. To the consternation of my health-conscious mother, I remain of the opinion that many instances of cancer and heart disease are not the consequence of a bad lifestyle, but are the dreaded lottery results of what constitutes our genes. Of course I concede that a healthy lifestyle is a major deterrent to serious illness, but even the most healthy people succumb to ill health sooner or later. My only concession to a healthy regime is my regular running which if nothing else goes some semblance towards negating a diet of chocolate chip cookies, doughnuts, Kentucky fried chicken, and sausage rolls.

         People who deny themselves the ‘sinful’ pleasures of sweet, tasty foods are liable to end up prematurely dead in an accident of some sort anyway. While nutritionists and health experts are infuriated by this apparent exhortation to a reckless lifestyle, I would perhaps foolishly like to highlight the fact that in my first 38 years, I have yet to be hospitalised once. Not many health-food devotees can match that record of distinction (or supreme good fortune) – so who’s richer and who’s poorer? Still there remains the nagging doubt (some would say probability) that my carefree diet which I regard as the slowest suicide bid in human history will have repercussions in the future. I am still far from convinced that a healthy lifestyle automatically qualifies for a longer life span, and the eighty-year-old cigarette smoking, alcohol enthusiasts at the local pub ought to agree.

                                        JIMMIE OLIVER’S FAVOURITE RECIPES (FOR DISASTER)

Dear reader, I would most generously like to share my favourite cookery recipes with you as a huge thank you for purchasing David’s publication. Sound the fanfare, roll the drums, and let’s have a hushed silence as I take you on an enchanting journey through my critically acclaimed culinary advice.

Breakfast corn flakes:  Take one breakfast bowl (preferably washed). Add one table spoon. Grab one packet of corn flakes from a kitchen cupboard. Pour the flakes into the bowl until it is almost full. Then open a carton of semi-skimmed milk. Finally pour the milk onto the cereal, and serve.

Tomato soup: Purchase a tin of tomato soup from a nearby shop or supermarket. Take one carrier bag and bring the can of soup home in it. Locate a can opener and remove the lid from the tin. Pour the soup into a bowl. Take one microwave oven (not two). Let the bowl of soup revolve in the microwave for approximately four minutes. Add a table spoon. Allow the soup to cool for a couple of minutes, and serve.

Beans on toast (my piece de resistance): Take one loaf of bread (preferably brown). Remove a couple of bread slices. Insert the slices in a toaster. Turn the toaster on. Fetch a can of baked beans. Warm the beans in a saucepan on a cooker. Add the beans to the toasted bread, and serve.

         These sample recipes can be found in my book of ‘Healthy Eating Recipes’, priced at £37.99, in any good bookshop, though probably not in Waterstones who prioritise the stocking of celebrity books by such literary greats as Jeremy Clarkson and Sharon Osbourne.