LUNATIC
By
Paul J Magliari
"The Lunatic
Song"
by
Paul J Magliari and Fiona
Jones Magliari
CHARACTERS
Commander Mac/Jack
Payload Commander Barry
Lieutenant Joe
SETTING
Space capsule (3 ASTRONAUTS
sitting in chairs close to each other CENTER STAGE. Stage right is JOE, asleep with one suspicious eye open. Center is BARRY who is totally snoring. To his left is MAC, alert and manning the
spaceship.)
(Mac sings quietly to
himself)
MAC
Hey hey my loved ones / It
can't be too soon / You may call me lunatic / But I gotta walk on the moon /
Hey hey my loved ones / It can't be too soon / You may call me lunatic / But I
gotta walk - Yes ground control... Commander Mac here... we're cruising a
gazillion miles above our mother planet earth, at a speed of ten-thousand miles
per... light-hours.
(As Mac speaks, Joe becomes
alert.)
MAC (Continued)
We should have
clearance. Roger rabbit and over.
JOE
Clearance?
BARRY
(snore)
Clearance...
JOE
We're in space man. You don't taxi in outer space.
MAC
I said clearance and
possibly meant something else.
(Joe nudges Barry)
MAC (Continued)
Let him be. The snoring keeps me awake.
JOE
Payload Commander.
BARRY
(snore)
Keep the driver awake...
JOE
Get up. There's work to be done.
(Mac mouths soaring
airplane sounds)
MAC
Roger. Roger.
Flight Attendant Mac to ground control.
Come in.
JOE
This is gonna be more of a
trip than expected.
MAC
Ground control come
in.
BARRY
(snore)
I love tripping.
MAC
This is Commander Mac from
Luna 12 Moon Mission. Request
permission to ignore fellow flight attendees.
JOE
I've had enough. I'm afraid you'll have to turn this baby
around.
MAC
Can't. Going to the moon.
JOE
I know for a fact that you
have no idea what you're doing. You're
going to crash and burn.
(Barry's eyes shoot wide
open)
BARRY
I don't wanna die.
MAC
Ground control. I'm in the middle of nowhere with two
idiots.
BARRY
Who are you calling an
idiot?
MAC
One is clearly unaware he's
an idiot. See what I mean? It's a celebrated event when captain Barry
even remembers to eat.
BARRY
Food.
(Just then a CANDY BAR
floats in the air. Barry reaches to
grab it. Trick: Barry holds a thin
black stick attached to the candy bar with one hand to appear that it's
floating)
BARRY (Continued)
This takes me back to my
uncle's farm. In the mighty land of
Texas. Chasing after our dinner. Chickens mostly. No cats, dogs or Baby Ruths.
JOE
The jig is up Mac.
(to
Barry)
Go on, tell him.
BARRY
(still
reaching for candy bar)
You can stop dancing now.
(Joe holds out a BADGE or
ID card)
JOE
Lieutenant Joe, and I have
great suspicion to believe that you are not the real Commander Mac, though I
readily admit that your clever disguise as Commander Mac is an uncanny
resemblance to Commander Mac.
BARRY
You're not Commander
Mac? Maybe I'm not Payload Commander
Barry.
MAC
So... you're accusing me of
not being who I am when at the same time and space, you're admitting you're not
Lunar Module Pilot Al. Who can you
trust?
JOE
Nonetheless. I have the badge.
(Mac grabs the badge from
Joe, makes as if he's rolling down a car window and tosses it out)
MAC
Luna 12 - to the moon. Mr Payload man. Report. What is our load?
JOE
This is a load of crap.
BARRY
Sorry to say you're wrong
sir. It happens to be lumber.
MAC
Lumber?
JOE
Lumber?
BARRY
And nails. Screw guns.
Generators.
JOE
Perfect.
(to
Mac)
We'll build you a little
jail far away from home.
MAC
Ha I say. No jail for me sir for I am exactly who I
say I am. Commander Jack.
JOE
Ah ha!
BARRY
Commander Jack?
MAC
Commander Jack.
JOE
Pull this thing over right
now you - ground control... come in... Lieutenant Joe on mission Luna 12 to the
moon... Can you read me.
BARRY
Cool. You know ground control too?
MAC
Stop your moaning and
ground controlling. The both of
you. We're going to the moon and that's
final. Don't forget who's driving this
thing.
JOE
I'll never forget that an
astronomical impersonator has hijacked a United States Space Mission and - do
you even have a pilot's license?
MAC
No problem.
BARRY
I think he's doing an okay
job.
JOE
We haven't landed yet.
MAC
I guess you can put us
safely down on the cheese ball better than I can. Dream on.
JOE
Betcha I can -
MAC
Quiet. Ground control's on the phone. Come in ground control... Commander Mac's
here for you... you found what?... the real Commander Mac floating about in the
zero gravity training...
JOE
That's it.
MAC
I mean - wrong number. Wrong number.
JOE
I'm slapping the cuffs on
you as soon as I get out of this chair.
BARRY
I want my daddy.
JOE
And I've had enough of you
too, you whiny little bastard.
MAC
I'm the one you're hot
for. He didn't do anything.
JOE
So you admit it.
(Mac is silent for a beat)
MAC
I plead the fourth.
JOE
You mean the fifth don't
you. Who's the idiot now?
MAC
Alright, alright. You got me.
I know when I'm defeated.
BARRY
Say it ain't so.
JOE
Alright then. I'm gonna get ground control on the horn and
get this flying machine back where it belongs.
Ground control... This is Lieutenant Joe -
MAC
Wait a minute.
JOE
Nothing doing. Ground control...
MAC
Just - just look out the
window.
JOE
This is...
(looking
out the window)
Holy mama of god.
(Joe and Barry look in awe
out the window)
BARRY
Daddy can wait.
JOE
(into
phone)
I'll call you back...
(Joe hangs up)
JOE (Continued)
She's beautiful. I've never seen anything like it.
MAC
I've wanted to land on that
moon ever since I was knee high to John Glenn's knee. Please don't make me go back until I've touched its...
JOE
Sorry Mac, or whatever your
name is...
MAC
Jack... sir.
JOE
Jack. I have to do my duty.
BARRY
Where's my camera. Commander Mac Jack, this is really
special. Thanks.
MAC
Taking me back is one
thing, but how can you disappoint our little whiny bastard, Payload Commander
Barry.
BARRY
He remembered my job title.
JOE
Well maybe - No, I'm
sorry. This is quite the federal
offence. I'll have to see it right.
MAC
What if I put up a fight?
JOE
You'll only get in
deeper. I didn't start this thing.
MAC
Not a real fight. Just something to tell the station back
home. Picture this. I'm out of control. I'm a a rabid dog attacking you until you're
rendered defenseless - but only for a
second. You suddenly acquire the
strength necessary to throw me to the ground.
Chopped liver with a side of handcuffs.
You have no other choice but to place this ship - and its contents - on
the closest surface obtainable, our friend the moon.
JOE
Ah they'd never go for
it. Hold on. It's ground control. Come
in ground control...
MAC
I'm begging you.
BARRY
Oh great sir lieutenant
sir... pa-lease.
JOE
Shhh ... Yes... This is
Lieutenant Joe speaking...
(Mac sings quietly)
MAC
De de de loved ones / It
can't be too soon / You may call me lunatic / But I gotta walk on the moon
JOE
Yeah ground control, I'm
still here...
MAC
Hey hey my loved ones...
(Barry joins in)
MAC AND BARRY
... It can't be too soon /
You may call me lunatic / But I gotta walk on the moon
JOE
What the hell.
(into
phone)
I'll call you back.
(All three sing)
MAC, BARRY AND JOE
Hey hey my loved ones / It
can't be too soon / You may call me lunatic / But I gotta walk on the moon
MAC
So, you're with us?
JOE
Bring it on.
BARRY
Woo hoo! Party time.
MAC, BARRY AND JOE
Hey hey my loved ones / It
can't be too soon / You may call me lunatic / But I gotta walk on the moon
MAC
Wow. She's real close now.
JOE
Can hardly see the space
that surrounds it.
BARRY
Let's bring her down. If it's okay with you lieutenant sir.
JOE
Yeah. I mean... sure, you can have your
fifteen-minutes... then your twenty years.
MAC
Prepare for landing.
BARRY AND JOE
Preparing for landing.
(The three of them close
their eyes and brace their bodies for a huge thump)
MAC
There.
JOE
There what.
MAC
We're down.
BARRY
Wow. Mother moon.
JOE
That was amazing. So smooth.
(They get out of their
chairs, each one stretching from the long trip in their own way)
JOE (Continued)
But ... where'd you learn
to land so gracefully?
MAC
Read everything from
Astronaut Glenn that's been available.
Every web-site link. Printed and
on-line discussion groups and transcripts.
JOE
Impressive.
MAC
Then there was practicing
in my sister's hot air balloon. Along
with a lot of falling out of it.
(beat)
Then there's Nascar.
(Joe gets himself in a
position where his back gets thrown out.
A vulnerable position.)
(Mac watches from across
the room. His hands clench to fists.)
(Barry is in his own world
stretching)
MAC (Continued)
Interesting.
JOE
I know. In seconds we'll be on the moon.
MAC
Actually, it'd be kind of
funny if, after all this, something went wrong and...
JOE
And what?
(Mac moves towards Joe with
no-good intent. Is he going to help or
hurt?)
(Barry observes)
BARRY
No!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Mac reaches for Joe and -
straightens him out by gently cracking his back.)
MAC
There you go. How's that?
JOE
Yeah. Nice.
Like a million bucks.
BARRY
Wow. For a minute there I thought you were gonna
- boy you're something else Commander Mac.
MAC
Like I said, the name's
Jack.
JOE
And you know I still have
to bring you in when this is all ov - wait a minute. What were you getting at before?
MAC
What do you mean?
JOE
Something about how funny it
would be if something went wrong... ah, nevermind.
MAC
I know I did wrong. My greed and needs got the better of me, but
I'm a grown man and have to face what's coming to me.
JOE
You're an incredible human
being... Commander Jack.
(They grab their helmets
and place them on their heads)
MAC
I really appreciate this
Lieutenant Joe.
JOE
It's my pleasure.
MAC
Okay then. Ready?
BARRY
Ready.
JOE
Check.
MAC
Stand tall. Single file. Forward on.
(They all walk off
stage. United and proud)
(The three chairs now sit
in silence for a few moments)
(Suddenly Mac/Jack comes
running in and sits in his chair)
(Offstage, Joe bangs on the
ship's doors: now closed)
JOE (O.S.)
You can't get away with
this.
BARRY (O.S.)
But look how pretty it is
out here.
MAC
(as
if he's turning a dial)
Mexico - here I come.
JOE (O.S.)
Stop right now. You're under arrest. Where's my badge?
MAC
Blast off.
JOE (O.S.)
Get out of there right
now. I have some handcuffs with your
name on them.
MAC
Hey hey my loved ones / It
can't be too soon / You may call me lunatic / But I got to walk on the
moon / Call me a lunatic / call me a lunatic / call me a lunatic
(Black out)